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Going Home
Jason,, Oct 16, 2003

I have not expressed myself through writing in quite some time so bear with me. I sit at this computer with a million things going through my head. I have just reached two major turning points in my life. First, I will be 18 years of age on November 25th, two months from now. I have been on the run from my mother�s house for just over a year now. This is going to be a relief; that I no longer have to worry about being a �run away�.

The second thing, and this is the one that�s the reason for a lot of the way my life has turned out, is my father. I have just contacted him for the first time in roughly two years. I am ecstatic that I got a hold of him. He was deported to England, which is where he was born, because he is not exactly the most law-abiding person. He has been trying to get a hold of me for some time now, as I have been for him.

He wants me to move to England with him and I want to do the same. Reasons for wanting to move is that he was the parent that I rarely visited and communicated with. My mother did a good job of keeping him out of our lives. It has been a long road with my relationship with my dad, but now that I am an adult I feel that I am able to begin the
building of that relationship. I don�t know my father the way I feel that I should - he and I have been emotionally torn for some time now.

I am able to put behind me the abusive past and problems with him from my childhood; he is my father and as of now he seems like a stranger. I feel that I will be pleased with my decision to go to England but now that it is in the process of occurring I am scared. What of the friends whom I consider my family, who to me have been the support I needed? I want to have time to say my final good-byes and spend time with those who are my chosen family. I am afraid of the fact that I am going to somewhere completely fifferent that anything I have seen before. I will also have to build friendships and I don�t want to do, that but I will. I have been hurt so many times that the people I consider my friends now I would give my life for. I guess this is one of the things we have to do in life - it is just hard because I am scared, I don�t want to lose bonds. What if I am treated like a complete outcast and am not accepted by those other than my family? I have my dad for support, yes, but my friends know how my head works, and can understand my emotions. I will not have them in person to fall on or even be there in case of a fight or some random situation. Really, I am facing a big mental block that I have about being alone. I don�t like being alone - I am even afraid of being alone. I feel uncomfortable but I won�t let myself cower away at this. To myself I feel as if this could be what makes me the �man� that I am going to be. I have to do this on my own and I have to stand my ground, for it will make me stronger. I hope my father and I have a good relationship, I know we will, but how will he react to who I am now that I have been on the streets for a year? He is the type of person that will accept me for me and realize that my decisions are my own, unlike my mother. I hope we bond in the best way possible. I can�t wait to get to the place where my family comes from. I am proud to say I am English and now I will get to see �home�. I hope it is the best to me that it can be.

I am scared, I am not ashamed to admit it, but I know that doing this will make me more of what I strive for in life. I also have a lot on my mind about where my life is or could be headed. I have traveled the United States for the last year or so and I have fallen in love with trains. I consider myself a crusty punk and now I am moving in with my father. Am I going to end up with a job, am I going to travel, what am I going to do, what is he going to want me to do - guess I will find out. In the future, depending on how things go, I would like to return to the States because I feel that I would like to see more of them and I feel that I will have an entirely new outlook on the country and the people. I may never come back though. I guess, though, I will never know that until it is time. To whoever reads this, wish me luck, and I hope maybe this will bring some thought to your head - whether it be to contact some one or even travel.

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User comments

Latanya Robinson   Oct 17, 2003 23:00:01  
I hope our journey treats you well and you find the happiness and contentment that you deserve.

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