As I was growing up I would have never guessed my life would amount to what it is today, nothing. I remember having plans to go to do big things like graduate college and get a good job, to get married to a beautiful woman, have a couple kids, live in a nice house, to grow old, and to be able to watch my family grow. At this point the future looks pretty bleak.

�live fast, die young!� I don�t know if you have heard this, but I know I have, I guess you could say I am living it. Even though I recognize this I still insist on pushing the limit. Sometimes I wonder why it is so difficult to get it together and sometimes I just don�t. It really doesn�t seem so difficult yet also impossible.

When I think about the risk I put myself at by the things I do to support my habit I wonder if I am retarded. I guess I justify it by telling myself I have nothing to lose. I have been told I have very impulsive behavior which would explain my not giving a fuck. Most of the time I just want to disappear from the face of this world never to be heard of again.

It really blows when you know what to do to make a better life yet you just can�t fucking get it right. Or when you are doing good and you just fuck everything up around you putting yourself back where you started, and it only gets worse from there.

At the moment I am struggling with the issue of relationships. In one corner I have someone who will take complete care of me, support my habit, pay the bills, feed me, clothe me, and who is so needy they need constant approval. On the other hand there is someone who I want to take complete care of yet I don�t have a job, a place to stay, or the knowledge to make it work. For some reason I want the latter due to their independence.

Yet why does it seem so unrealistic, I do make money living on the street it�s just fast money. You can�t really make a career out of �Jockey Boxing,� unless you want to spend a life in jail or prison which I don�t want to do. I want to live a productive life not a fucked up one behind bars.

I guess all I have to do is take baby steps in the right direction and just deal with all my �dirty laundry.� The only question is if I feel ready, I don�t know for sure, but I think I need to figure it out before it becomes too late.