�Why would I want to be anything less than I am now?� - Jackie Curtis

For a while, being on hormones seemed to be right for me. Then, one day, I said, �This is not real.� Being genuine became important to me and part of that meant being natural, so I got off hormones and began focusing on being comfortable in my own skin. It was a welcome relief to feel that I was alright just the way I was. I didn�t really want to have a female body. I think that what I wanted was to be free from being expected to fill out a certain mold because I am male. What I wanted, really, was to be appreciated as I was, to be allowed the freedom to blossom. Ultimately, I am having to grant that freedom and appreciation to myself now. Then, however, I think that I felt I needed to alter myself to gain this freedom. From childhood, my natural, strong sense of self was not supported by my family or the community and culture I found myself growing up in. Because my young personality and behavior did not match the common stereotypes assigned to males, both were quickly deemed unacceptable. Not knowing how to assert my child self against this unfair attack, my spirit diminished. This, plus my interest and sometimes fascination with the uber-glamorous and �feminine� led me to identify with these qualities and eventually to doing drag shows as a young adult in Texas, to getting on estrogen and transitioning to a female gender stereotype a few years ago, and to my resurgent interest in being glamorous. Seeing the exotic persona of someone like Amanda Lepore, I felt an old, familiar desire to shine. This frightened me, confused me, and excited me. My feelings of fear and confusion centered around my attachment to my recent decision to be natural and all-accepting of myself. I didn�t want to abandon these values, which were part of a new code of ethics for me. The excitement I felt came from sensing the possibility of realizing three long-held fantasies: attaining some ultimate state of femininity while escaping the expectations of maleness set by our society; achieving a sense of external power based on the approval and admiration of others in response to this attained state somewhere beyond gorgeous exoticism; and realizing my fantasies of being a creative and dramatic personality by way of performing in some vein ( or by being an intriguing fixture; scenery: Jade as mannequin in the window dressing of the store of Life. Expounding on this last fantasy a bit, as far back as I can remember I�ve always been into creative and dramatic expressionism. I think I instantaneously fell in love with the image of Marilyn Monroe the moment I first saw it, luminous, on screen. When I was little, I would dress up in my mother�s little chiffon dresses she had saved from her own childhood and dance to some record or another for my babysitter. My sweet great-grandmother Granny Rena told me an anecdote from when I was three. She was spending a few days with us, watching me while my mom and dad were working in the peanut fields. On one afternoon I came into the living room wearing her robe and house slippers and carrying her handbag. �Come on, Granny.� I ordered, leading her outside to her car and climbing into the driver�s seat, �Let�s go.� Sliding into the passenger seat next to me she asked, �Where are we going?� �To �Underwood�s (a fancy barbeque restaurant in the nearby big town of Brownwood, Texas)!� �Well, alright!� she agreed indulgingly. So, right now, where I�m at is here: I think I understand that I don�t have to be anything other than who I am to be fabulous. Whatever I decide to do, whether it�s artistic or personal, my expression as it comes out of me is just fine. While I appreciate my past experiences, it is time to move forward; to watch myself unfold as my life unfolds.

�What I like most about rivers is you can�t step in the same river twice; the water�s always flowing, always changing.�
- from �Just Around the River Bend�