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Sammy,, Jul 25, 2003

Today is one of those lethargic don�t give a fuck if you control and idea or not day. I�m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, wanting nothing more than to do nothing other than what makes me feel free and full. So many relationships leading to disaster and accomplishing absolutely nothing other than more confusion on the topic already at hand. I already know that you�re going to use and destroy me in ways that I�d rather not explain. Just promise that it will be soon and that it will be fast, and when I say fast, I mean like having me fucken head blown off or something real theatrically sound. Headphones no longer do the trick. I�m not and never was entertained by the noise that just seems to grow and collaborate to the point where I�m losing control and wanting to break or fuck some serious shit up. When will rap culture ever become pass� and you�ll finally become truly open and reach the next level of humanity. I�m just one lonely man with nothing better to do than to tell you that I�m really fucken bored with this life so suck it and have fun without ever looking down at me.

Not enough illusions to keep everyone busy so you�ve turned from your drugs and your sex and now look on me with eyes of desperation, we all wanted our goals, we all wanted to be a star in the public eyes, to be so important, to have an opinion that mattered. I also feel victim to wanting. And now I�m lost in hell, wandering around in a city said to be mine, but still the villagers throw picks and fireballs at my back. I still want though, to be nothing, to be alone individual left alone to do as I please without the world on my back. Who wants to love me, no one, who do I want to love, everyone, I�m left with only lust for softness, and hate for fronting.

Watching the masses come up the escalator I was standing by, a song man singing about old angels who have changed, and happiness through love. The masses coming up the escalator turned their heads down or away from us. Some donated money to help his voice carry on for another day. They all seemed scared and worried, not sure what to think as they blushed or blanked out. Even those donating did it like a task that was supposed to be done, probably repetition, for he�s always there on the top of the escalator and has a great voice. I question myself and ask where are they all at in their minds? Maybe fear has gripped them and is holding their spirits within the shaking walls of their body. Maybe they feel they�ll lose something to him by watching and appreciating his words. Losing personal presence in the modern age of isolation equals money. I feel they�ve been lost already, wounded lonely souls that only want to be laid down for a long sleep. Want to be comforted, and told it�s okay to let go of everything you�ve ever believed or grew to know. They want to be held by their own sense of secure vulnerability. There will be that time soon.

God is not a lover of your hearts, he is a lover of himself and his own love for you.

He will never give himself away because he doesn�t have love to give.

I find myself only trying too hard to perform simple daily labors. I will only be here and there�s nothing more special than yourselves.

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