hello hello old man,how�s it goin? did you make it out to the west, are you possibly still there? Were the dreams you were looking for still there too, laying in the sun and looking at their watch, wondering where the hell you are.

me?sometimes I�m lost in happiness and excitement, feeling more alive than I thought I could feel. other times, when the air is wet and the wind is heavy and hard, i shiver and get confused, wondering why I�m doing this to myself. Those days my foot hurts and I�m not sure if I�m going to get drunk or where I�m gonna sleep. I suppose that�s the natural polars of anything though, it just feels more extreme when you ain�t got a home nearby to sort it all out in.

I�m in san francisco, once again� i surprised myself by setting one foot in this town, then the other one. I�m trying to hustle up September and October rent this week.
then oh then, hopefully I�ll be heading back to oklahoma .gosh, I�m so excited, i am going to lock myself in my room and tell everyone I�m going to do some serious writing and reflecting, drawing, painting, self exploration, music composition,

but I�ll just sleep and eat and reorganize my desk and play with the cats and take my curtains down and sit on my bed in the warm sunlight and think think think and feel so satisfied and love it.
It�s quickly going on 3 months, i don�t know how i managed to get caught up out here for so long,
but it kind of feels like I�ve been in a spa (emotional, mental, social?) for 3 months and I�m leaving the west coast more invigorated, inspired and exhausted than I�ve been the entire time I�ve been living in oklahoma
it�s weird
my vacation has been filled with freight trains, semi trucks, old dear beloved friends, punk shows, playing music (bobalouie let me play his banjo a lot, before I fuckin stepped on it by the dark shores of the san joaquin river)

scams, loitering over a 5th or 15th cup of coffee (free refills and unlimited soy milk suckas), sandwiches in beautiful places, picnics, injuries (my friend built a boat in pirate cove, and I sliced the hell out of my toe after a boat ride- I�m lucky it didn�t rot away into those disgusting toxic waters), falling in love, hurting, healing, facing reality-or trying, lying, and also being really really honest,

swimming in old swim holes, new ones, really dirty industrial waters, cold as fuckingchristmythroathaslockedup icy mountain rivers, riding bikes around the dangerously romantic reminiscent pasts that are now a melancholy playground in the back of my brain, building new more perfect playgrounds to love more than what has passed and will never return, reinventing my desires, getting in touch with my needs, talkin talkin talking to friends about my needs and theirs, like some weird poker game of feelings: i call, you show, then i show, then, you bastard, lets negotiate and fall in love, no bluffing though, otherwise you lose everything,

working on being more mature and less selfish, being hurt and mad at my friends, getting over it (sometimes), then more working on being more mature and understanding and patience when things just fuckin suck or seem unfair or cruel.

emily says she tells herself "I�m in the hands of the universe now" ain�t nothin i can do about it.

luke used to tell me "life is whatcha make it so you better make it good"

then everybody in the world says "seize the day" "the unexamined life aint worth a�livin"

every one of those babies is right.

find that little crevice of happiness and self existence and roll around like a dog in it, and don�t let go, watch out for the little ones nearby, don�t let em get under yr boots but

by golly, enjoy that shit

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jesus, see what i mean!!?? three months of this. i swear, I�m gonna be totally nuts when i get back.

i miss the dirty old town, i am anxious to be back
tell me tell me, what are your plans, where the fuck are you, where will you be and all that nonsense

love- joleen

ps. ive learned the art of washing my socks and underwear in an orange juice bottle-

hot water and soap- maybe 24 hours- and as much sunlight as possible- rinse and soak a few times-

my friends called me a wingnut when i did this as we hitchiked to sacramento but their drawers smelled like dead animals and mine were like fresh summer lavenders and music as they dangled off my backpack drying in the highway sun