[ mood | infuriated ]
[ music | godsmack - "go away" ]

i feel weathered and worn by the eternal stream of thoughts, memories and emotions running
through me like a freight-train full of nightmares - all of which lead back to one thing - the people who were suppose to love me, my own fucking family (mother, father, brother, all...), not only lacking the desire or ability to protect me; moreover, they'd help others to hurt me in so many different ways over the years as to be without room enough in my mind to catalog them all.

fuck guilt, fuck shame, fuck hatred, fuck depression,
fuck drug addiction, fuck alcoholism, fuck self-doubt,
fuck family secrets, fuck emotional scars, fuck post
traumatic stress disorder, fuck excuses, fuck abusive
foster parents and fuck all those motherfuckers that
don't take care about their children or appreciate them
for the miracles that they really are.
fuck not seeing all the beautiful things they bring into the world.
fuck parents who leave their children with people they hardly know,
people they've never actually spoken with
or gotten a reference from, just so they can go out
and cheat on each other. fuck the parents
that hire an emotionally unhinged fifteen year old
shut-in as a babysitter, just so they can go get high
without anyone knowing or seeing, then act as though
they are disgusted by the junkies and street-kids
asking them for change on their way to work.
most of all, fuck fathers and mothers that are perfectly fine
with leaving their babies (their babies!) to be cared for
by strangers, so they can get smashed
and drive home drunk from the bar.
the bar
where they should never have been in the first place,
only to lose control of their vehicle
and destroy two other parent's lives...

...then they wonder, months later why their kids are
telling the school counselor that they've been
molested, raped and taken advantage of
by the adults they were suppose to find safety with.
Passersby wondering why that lovely couple are standing out
looking at the fresh snow on their yard christmas morning
with tears streaming down their faces and sobs
wracking their bodies as they cling to one another for
support. teachers wondering why such a bright student
with so much artistic and poetic talent and passion
would shoot himself in the head with his father�s gun
after winning the art show at school.

all these things - these attitudes, these stories,
these people, these realities, these sufferings, these
children's hollow eyes, these casualties of apathy,
these lives in disarray and the stone fact that these
things are happening, like it or not, everyday
somewhere near you these scenarios are being acted out
in real life - that is what i'm most worried about
right now, that is what you should be worrying about
right now.

i've made it out of my own hellish childhood, i'm
still working it out slowly but surely, i'm even
feeling as though things might work out, for the first time ever.
it's really amazing that i'm writing
something this personally relevant and i'm okay
with that breach of my personal-life and experiences with
child abuse, rape, sexual abuse and assualt;
moreoever, it will hopefully bring awareness to those
who need most to be educated about these issues
and perhaps they will be challenged and inspired
to take action that could improve and maybe save
another human being's life.

i'm an exception to the rule, i was lucky
there are still children out there,
in those places with those same people,
unaware that what's being done to them is
wrong, because they've only known being mistreated,
neglected, sexually violated or abused in their lives,
by those they're suppose to receive love from no-less.
if you know anyone that has been or is being treated like this,
tell someone no matter what the cost.

that is not all - not by a long-shot motherfuckers.
stand up and take action if you know you ought to
for the sake of someone who cannot or will not stand up
for themselves.

thank you, but only if you show courage, fuck you
if you think nothing of the pain you might not face
but someone else isn't just facing
but feeling at this moment.

someone isn't reading this, they're being beaten and
raped too violently to focus their eyes enough.
be grateful it isn't you.
_______________________________________________