Yesterday began like any other day. I woke up, did my wake up shot of dope to get well, and took off with my boyfriend Brett and my friend Fur to go make money. We procrastinated, stopping at Union Square park to play fetch with my dog and drink a couple of 40's. We laughed and had a lot of fun. Fur has always been a good friend of mine. She always would stick up for me when she felt I was being threatened. She never hesitated to show the people she cared about that she loved them.

Eventually we made some money and tried to call her pager connection to get some dope. He never called back so we decided to go to the Mission and buy some "one and ones", a mixture of cocaine and heroin. Taking my dog on the bus was difficult. We just got him about a week ago and he had never been on Muni before. Fur and I sat next to him on the floor of the bus to try to chill him out. People gave him beef jerky and eventually he calmed down.

Right after we got off the bus at 16th and Mission we were able to get some dope and we walked to Shotwell St. to do it.Brett and I did ours first. I got a really good rush off of the coke and told Fur that she should try to get a vein since the coke was so good. She was having a hard time hitting but eventually got it in her leg.

Then almost immediately she started scratching all over and saying that something was wrong with her. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. She told me that she couldn't breathe so I got her inhaler out of her bag and tried to give it to her. At that point I ran to call the ambulance while Brett stayed with her. After I got back Brett ran to FoodsCo. to see if anyone there knew CPR. While he was gone I tried to get her to breathe but nothing worked. She leaned against a truck and started turning blue, then she slid down the side of that truck.

I've had people go out on me before but until yesterday I had never seen anyone turn that blue. Her body went stiff in my arms and then relaxed. The color came back into her face, actually the blue just began to fade, but she still looked pale.I thought maybe she had passed out and her muscles relaxed so she was able to breathe again. I pressed my palm against her chest, hearing the sirens in the distance, and didn't feel anything.

Someone came out from the store and we began giving her CPR. I thought I could feel her trying to accept my breath as her own which began to restore my hope a little. The ambulance showed up and told us to move away from her. They tried CPR, gave her a shot of ephedrine to try to start her heart up and eventually took her away in the ambulance.

Brett and I walked to Davies Medical Center at Duboce and Castro Street. Right as I walked into the emergency room I knew she was gone. Just the way the doctors and nurses treated me told me she had passed away. But it wasn't until the doctor called me into his office and told me that she died that I was able to shed a tear. I helped them try to get a hold of her parents and then I left.

Coping with this has been hard. I've never had anyone die in front of me before. I've never had such a good friend die. Telling people has been hard too. She had a lot of friends. So many people loved her. So many what-if's keep running through my mind. She had just left Walden House, a re-hab in San Francisco, and she was clean for six months. When I would see her from time to time it made me so happy to see how wonderful she looked. Her face had cleared up and she looked healthy. She was doing so good. That was only a month ago and now she's dead.

I wanted to write about this not only because it helps me cope but also because people need to know. I always think that nothing like that would ever happen to me. And this time it wasn't me. It was one of my friends. It can happen to any of us who take the risk of injecting drugs or just doing drugs period. I'm scared to even do it now. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not ready to die.

We love you Fur.
-Kari