I guess one of my best assets is that of fucking up, at least my track record would show this. It's funny how I always end up in the same situation, stuck here in SF doing the same shit. Maybe I am destined to this bullshit, you know, getting high and stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to get out of this pit. The way my life has played out makes me think not.

When my folks told me they would give me another chance at home I thought I could do it, apparently not. They said even after all the shit I put them through they would put up with me one more time. The rules they set seemed pretty simple but I have a problem following simple instructions as my past would show. All I had to do was be clean, work off some debt, and go to NA. The call of the drugs ended up being too much.

How do you justify with yourself the choice of choosing drugs over your family, I do not think you can. Heroin, to me, is my love. Call me weak, but I know myself and the drug rules my life. How else can you explain this choice. I know the consequences of my use, the systematic decomposition of my life, the total breakdown of my moral backbone, and the whole loss of any reasonable thought or action.

You would think that after admitting to this I might be able to get a hold of it all. I am just too in love. I don't want to give up my comfort. How could I just abandon the one that I love. I truly don't know if I'll ever be able to quit or if this is the death of me, I sure hope I can stop because judging by the route my use has taken I will end up dead.

What is it about this particular drug that has made me do so much. It's not just the chemical compound itself, what about the mystique. I think it makes me feel powerful, being able to make myself so fucked up. The needle entering my skin itself gives me a rush. I am almost as addicted to the needle as I am the drug.

If it is so good though why does it make me hate myself so much? So much to the point where death is almost as mystifying as the drug itself. This makes me wonder why I love it so much, or do I? I remember being told that we like to feel safe and change doesn't make us feel that way. I guess I feel safe dying. Coming here being able to express myself helps me dealing with my feelings. Roaddawgz makes me not want to die.