another hero cries � whatsa matter baby? you want more?? you can vote, you can work. you got equal rights already. now show me that pretty smile and don�t look sad��
this attitude seems to exist everywhere, taught in schools and nurtured so effectively and routinely until no one thinks its fucked how this creepy stranger keeps saying they need a pretty face to work at the desk and flirt with the irate customers to calm em down. shit, when I went in and was asked what I�d most like to do there I said I�d like to cook food for hungry people or teach little kids about anarchism and racism, class wars and gender� they said , yeah yeah, oh definatley. they had the perfect job for me, flirting with the angry people they�ve pissed off.
freud was back there saying even he couldn�t figure out what women want. probably because he was trying to make a woman comfortable and trusting enough so having sex with her is easier, or he�s trying to figure out why a minus male wants what males want. if this society has learned so much from freud�s studies, and he was just as sexist as the guys who hit on me in carl�s jr,�what does that say for our society? or how there�s 25 derogatory terms in the English language for men, and 250 for women!!! readers, you know this!! you know it�s fucked up!

yes, before this there was a great battle on women being viewed as people, but it�s not even close to over. when the media caught onto the rage of feminism, they only showed the white middle class women fighting to be able to work and vote, burning bras; but the media left out how black women have been working for so long. it wasn�t the right to leave home and kids and go to work that they had been fighting for, they wanted a fucking pay raise, they wanted a break, to be able to stay at home for once and raise their kids, while the feminist movement become an isolated spectacle of crazy man-hating women. and that�s still the feminism that most people are familiar with. the crazy f-word and crazy f-in women�

so now, through these equal rights struggles, the right to vote and work is upon the feminine gender. but I�ve never voted in my life, for better or worse. I don�t think this country cares about my little checked ballot box (well, or anybody�s). and I still watch people be more fascinated by my ass than with what I have to say. and I know the feeling that you get when you walk home from work and get inside your house late at night, and that sigh of appreciation because honey, lucky you, you weren�t raped tonight, and many times I�ve appreciated not getting raped tonight so much more than I appreciate that little gray paragraph at the end of the application � this employer does not discriminate based on race, sex, creed�� but they left out tradition. something like 3 out of 4 women on the street (that�s me) WILL be raped!!! my mom was sexually assaulted and raped several times in the late 60�s and the 70�s, before she was 20 years old. . I can�t really see that revolution of love, it seems more like a huge cheesy pick-up line, yeah baby let�s be free�with our new love�then she�s pregnant and in a back alley coat hanger and he�s got a million other kids aside from me that he doesn�t give a shit about. she didn�t abort me then, but he did..

what is it inside me that makes me want to sneer cuss spit on his face when he, a random stranger, passes briefly through our momentary jointed existence, pausing enough to say hi in a very low sexual voice and follows with a wink, knowing that all we�ll ever have together is this really creepy feeling that I am so small and can�t get bigger and any way, no one can hear my voice or understand me, and he feels proud that his friends saw him almost score with a pretty girl. I want to scar his perception forever. I want to mutilate that dumb surface attraction so he�ll never ask me or anyone for a kiss as he rides by on his bike with creepy laughs or force our quick interaction into dates, trophies fucking. I�m not sure if it would be a good or bad thing but I imagine a day where a gang of girls will beat the fuck out of those creepy guys until no one in our neighborhood objectifies and demeans us and you. to be completely honest, sometimes I wish there was a way to force other people feel like I do, so they can get out of this grayish in between apathy and start caring.

I was thinking about the way my second cousins in Oklahoma are being raised, the little 5 year old boy�s got a gun already. I watched him kill a bird on Christmas, and his dad is teaching him how to pick up hos and the 3 year old girl can put on eyeliner and booty dance. when I was a sophomore in high school I wore combat boots and fish nets, my mom told me: kids at school will say things. girls won�t like you, boys will want sex. she was right but it doesn�t come from my mini skirt and fish nets, nor the length of anyone�s skirt. I shaved my head that year and magically half the boys I knew stopped talking to me. I don�t know what all that means, but I wasn�t strong enough to fight the kind of sexism in Oklahoma�s public schools, I didn�t even know it was sexism. when I was a freshman I wouldn�t eat in front of boys that I liked. the biggest thing I learned in high school was how to be a girl, small feet, naturally hairless legs, and naturally anorexic. lesbian friendly for our boyfriend�s imaginations but we don�t know any gay boys, that�s different... I am still recovering from high school and hate it just as much. I never knew any girls who didn�t shave except for one when I was a freshman, and I didn�t understand why she wouldn�t. I never met her, I just saw her legs one time. when I stopped shaving 2 years ago, the newly liberated hair beneath my armpits would actually gross people out, which is really confusing and terribly backwards to me. these high schools haven�t changed much. after I left high school it took me too long to be comfortable with my shoe size, farts and shitting in public.

there�s already too many heroes trying to raise this society, trying to rescue and seduce damsels, too much focus on appearances, too many people telling us whats right . there isn�t any kind of optimistic guide to overcoming sexism. this is not supposed to make you feel good or bad. this is a window that�s finally been open, and it exists in all of us. this writing is a reflection of what�s inside me, optimistic and hopeless all at once. I know I left out a lot that I can�t write about just yet. I don�t think you can really face sexism without also transgenderism, racism and classism, and I haven�t discussed them in this. I am trying to find my own identity inside my feminism before I try to tell you what I�m thinking on anything else.

inside the black hole of our mind contradictions swarm from one nest of ideals to another. I wouldn�t pretend confidence, but only show the confusion and dilemma as it exists in all my actions. sometimes we can be too afraid of contradictions or being wrong to learn anything. sometimes it hurts so much more to not speak at all.

somethings I mentioned earlier on ridiculous proportions of derogatory terms in English, were found in a book called �man-made language�, but I lost it before I finished. it focuses on deep over-looked sexism and misogyny that�s still present and very oppressive in modern English. it has made me think a lot about the way I use oppressive language and the way other people talk to me. in a lot of ways this makes my interactions with society and all its normal people much harder, but I know I�d trade all the ignorance I�ve ever had for these real and honest relationships where we for once truly respect each other.


02/09/2005